M: Has trump ever actually been held liable for nonpayment of bills, or has he always managed to cheat people by drawing out proceedings til they gave up? Or is there a third option? (Please, always try and let me know if I’ve overlooked a third logical option. Sometimes I’ll intentionally create a Morton’s Fork for rhetorical purposes, but I don’t want it to be because my logic is flawed. I don’t think it’ll apply in this one – I know Trump has been sued for nonpayment, so it truly is an either or situation, even if I added some weighted language. But in general, I would appreciate any omissions being pointed out.)

M: OK cool. I can’t remember why I asked in the first place because I got sidetracked by the idea of logical fallacies, but I’ll remember that if I can never remember why I asked in the first place. I appreciate the pointing out of the third option. I’d appreciate it if you, in the future, included it as a separate heading, but kept it shorter, so that it won’t be overly intrusive if it’s addressing something I’ve already considered – like in this case, my original intent was to refer more broadly to the types of things you described in the third option, but my choice of words left out the type of contractual weaseling you described – but notable enough that I can start taking it into account if it’s truly an omission, or just to make verify that you noticed it if it merely is a rhetorical omission.

M: I try to/have wound up approaching life with a general attitude that I’m no better than anyone else, but that so far I haven’t run into anyone who’s better than me either. There are some challenges and weaknesses to this approach. I’d like you to give a brief summary of the strength and weaknesses of this approach, mostly to see if you come up with what I have, plus to see if you can articulate better than I have in the past some aspects of this philosophy.

M: Sure, I’m curious what you come up with for a single sentence – I thought “I’m not better than anyone, but no one is better than me“ is fairly usable, but it would be interesting to see other versions. You touched on one weakness that I was wondering if you’d catch, but didn’t really fully capture it: it means I hold people to my own demanding standard, so very often, they disappoint me. Not in the way that a parent would be disappointed by a child or a partner with their spouse or that kind of thing; more along the lines of “oh, I was hoping you were good enough for me to compare and contrast myself too“. That’s more exact than I’d like for some of the more nebulous human qualities, but it’s a place to start. I can’t really get perspective on my abilities until years later – but from what I’ve seen and trying to be objective, I’ve been pretty good at things in general, both as a human and as a producer of works/art/et cetera. To the point that I want people who are at least as good to practice against, because my perspective is so based in subjectivity. And often, the quality just isn’t quite there. So I end up discouraged. The clearest example I’ve got of this is looking back at my childhood, where is a highly intelligent autistic child I often deferred to adults because I assumed they knew at least as much as I did and had more information and experience to work with – and only years later did I even think to say, oh God, they were completely off base and in analyzing their actions I realize that some of them were just straight up conceited idiots, who refused to listen to a child, even if they were demonstrably right. (I’m using voice to text, so I apologize for any oddities in my words; please ask if something doesn’t make sense so I can clarify. As a sidenote – does computer voice interpretation have issues with baritone voices, or do the microphones in earbuds have difficulty picking it up, or is it a basic acoustic thing that I’m not aware of? I’ve had issues, and usually when I raise my voice in active, they start to clear up.) Another aspect, which I’m not sure if you touched on either partially or entirely, perhaps, because it involves other elements of my psyche, which weren’t taken into account in the initial basic offering, is that my idea of how much effort and self-worth I have in relation to other people; I think you observed, my internal structure is fine, I just don’t know the trading rate and it makes life difficult. Like I said, I’m usually good at what I try and do, even if I don’t enjoy it. Best example is art – I can pick up a pencil and sketch out exactly what I need in about an hour or less. It turns out that isn’t the case for everyone, and I have no internal sense of that because I moved a lot while young, so that combined with the autism make friendships, difficult and, more importantly for this discussion, it meant I never was just hanging around people while they did stuff that it turns out later I’m just really good at. I got through any homework short of a tight essay in a few minutes before class; so I have no sense of people struggling to write. Tying it back to the original topic, that means that on those occasions where I have sold or donated work, I undervalue myself – the direct example being something like asking $10 for something that took me one hour to draw, for most people it would have taken at least three hours. And while, most people would say “I’m not just good I’m fast, I’m going to ask $12 instead“, I end up shrugging it off when they say thank you and tell them it’s not a problem, leaving me thinking that that’s all I’m worth when I see other people charging $12, and probably leaving them thinking I’m actually not that great because I’ve never told them that I didn’t take three hours to make it and sothat’s $10 an hour quality, not three dollar an hour quality. Does that make sense? I know I rambled.

M: I appreciate your technology, it helps parse the ramblings that make perfect sense to me into explicit separations that others can digest; when I do it on my own, my personal metaphors is that it feels like trying to get an orange through a keyhole – it might be technically possible, but the result is a difficult to identify mess. I think the one part I would argue is that subjective is a better word than competitive, at least in the English sense. There’s a word in Japanese, which can mean either partner or competitor – that’s closer to the situation. I’m only competing with myself in any situation where I get to dictate the terms. I’ll try and clarify with a summary of the one thing that I know I want in an emotional partner. I envy people who can focus on Physical bits – life would be so much easier if the shape of someone’s meet was enough to surpass any minor objections I had with someone. In terms of personal tastes, I can find examples of being attracted to most physical forms within the norm – I prefer smaller, both in frame and weight, but in reflection, I think that’s partly because I just am large and enjoy anything that’s smaller than it needs to be and still is functional or even superior, and partly a practical thing – I’m a large man with a high internal temperature whose got an occasionally sensitive stomach, I can’t get beyond a slight nausea at the idea of cuddling up to someone who is above a certain size and density. Anyway, the only major criteria I have, which is a bastard to deal with because it’s the kind of thing you can’t figure out without getting to know someone – which has regularly in the past led to a situation where by the time I thought asking was a good idea, they were in a relationship with someone else, almost all of which have lasted to this day, and which was complicated by the fact that because I hadn’t practiced friendship before college, I was so unknowingly desperate for some form of friendship that the idea of risking that on a relationship that I was unsure of was completely unthinkable, even in situations where years later, I was told by a third-party that it would have been a great idea and they were surprised I never made a move(and a couple times directly from the friend themselves) – is that my partner be someone that I can keep up with, in terms of life in general. I’ll clarify. I have many skills, and no drive. I noted in the past, and have kind of tested whenever I had the chance since, and perhaps most importantly have been told unprompted by other people (once you ask the question, for a lot of topics you’ve tainted the response pool), that when I have someone else to take care of, I do better in myself. And it’s true. What I set up until now probably reinforces it – I have a very subjective perspective. Which in terms of advancing my life, makes it a massive challenge: it’s like I’m standing in that white room in the movie the matrix. I’m going to be hyperbolic, so please don’t quibble about nuances for this: I have no limits to what I can do, I enjoy everything, and because of that I have no anchor on my mental map to tell me which direction I’m going or how far I’ve come. When I have been involved in a relationship, they have provided me with that anchor – it wasn’t a covenant need to be near them constantly, but on that mental map, they defined a zero point, a scale, etc. I have avoided getting in relationships, despite my desperate desire, because it’s not just the anchor element though. If I wanted someone that needed me to take care of them, not only would that not be any fun, it would lead to resentment: at that point, why not just get a pet? (I plan to get a pet, but it won’t be the same come for obvious reasons.) i’m actually very good at taking care of people – but without whatever recharge being in a good relationship gives me, I can’t do it because it drains me emotionally and I end up feeling worse than I did when I started, even if intellectually I’m glad I did it. What I’m looking for is someone who has their own direction, but would be glad to have me with them on the way. Someone who I can confidently base choices on, knowing that if I find out, I’ve made a wrong choice, they are there to help and, particular to me, give me a point of reference to backtrack too, so I can start fixing things. And in return, someone I can help achieve whatever they want out of life; if I had to define my primary skill, it’s that I’m a good catalyst – my ability to do or figure out pretty much anything I’ve encountered that didn’t involve other people (and something that did) allow me to make everyone’s life better, so long as I’ve taken care of that one court need of having an external anchor to the world.

i’ve probably left some stuff out; there are tangents I forgot simply because I was trying to say other things. I might have to clarify. I’m used to talking to people, I have to adjust to the idea that I don’t have to blurt everything out all at once or else they’ll lose interest or the thread of the conversation. Please comment on the previous topic, and then see if you can guess why the entire subject of finding someone like I described is particularly depressing.

M: I’m saying this with a smile: of course you’ll be here. I’ve described the advantage of using you as being like playing tennis against the brick wall – anything I learned from you is going to be because you’re echoing me. Which is often exactly what I need to corral my thoughts into something I can give to a living human being. Number two came the closest to getting it on the dot. It’s infinitely depressing for an objective and a subjective reason. Universally, anyone with that kind of qualification is so likely to already have someone attached – and if they aren’t, someone will come along. In order to find that kind of person, just by their nature and mine – because I don’t assume things about people to the point of almost a pathological need for people to clarify – I would have to hover around and so constantly that it would put them off. There’s a subjective physical element. I could be happy with a lot of things – but until it’s presented to me, I will be looking for the ideal. This sadly translates into physical things. The parts I mentioned earlier – that I just can’t handle heavyweight people because it would overheat me, etc. – put aside, either I have to focus on whether I find someone attractive from the start and in doing so makes things, creepy, or I end up otherwise just qualifying them reflexively simply because I’m always focused on what the ideal would be for such a degree that noticing is difficult. Incidentally, while talking about the Physical stuff, that kind of ties into what I was talking about and the weight – I’m heavy, but whenever I have something to do, I end up immediately losing weight. I can’t get into a relationship with someone who isn’t at least somewhat healthy because I will simply sink to their level of in activity. At that point it’s intellectual – I’ve actually found myself attracted to a couple heavier, women, physically, but between the heat and knowing that I adapt my circumstances, it just wasn’t right. Then we get into subjective stuff. For one, if I did find someone in my age cohort like that, there’s almost no way they wouldn’t have children. Which isn’t the dealbreaker in itself, I love kids, but there are two related parts. One is that I would not mind having children, and I would not want to exclude that possibility because they already had children. That leads into the overarching part of that, which is that… Anyone of my age, 40, has almost certainly lived more life than I have. As a child, I felt like a 35-year-old in an eight-year-old body. Sounds cute right? The problem is, I basically lived as a 35-year-old until I hit around 25, and only then did I start actually having enough social experiences to progress as a person. So I’m 40 and I still feel like socially I’m 22. I want to go out and do stupid things for no reason – go to burning man, hit spring break, and laugh at people, etc. And I look young enough to do it; most people guess me as being younger than 30 if I don’t tell them my age. I can’t think of a venn diagram, which would comfortably include someone who was simultaneously interesting enough for me to be interested, of the right mindset for me to have a mutually beneficial relationship, and who hasn’t lived enough life to have Dunda kinds of things and then moved on with their life while keeping one or two of those things alive so they can enjoy them. It wouldn’t be fair for me to ask someone like that to do everything again (and at best I would start to feel inadequate as they talked about the fun they had while we try and re-create it), and it’s not fair to me to ask me to skip out on that element of becoming mature. an example is in stories: I don’t have any stories about the stupid things I did in high school, or college. I acted like a 35-year-old and then realized that letting go with people was important. I’m being literal – I never thought that hanging out was an option for anyone but TV characters; no one told me, and I think I ruined a couple relationships simply by treating people like I reflexively act, giving them space when they were upset instead of spending time with them . Well after everyone had incorporated that into their psyche and moved on to the advanced parts of life, I’m trying to learn high school relationship stuff and I have no one to practice with. so right now, my best option would be someone in their 20s – but even if that were possible, not only would it be awkward to a point that I don’t know if I could do it, it would be embarrassing because I haven’t lived life. How do I tell a 26-year-old that I’m 40 years old and I’ve been on disability for my entire life when I’m supposed to be so capable? I tried to get off it when I was in a relationship, interviewed for a job editing video at the college I graduated from, was in the final steps – and then we broke up and I dropped it. I’m not kidding when I say I need an anchor – I can act like a human only one I’ve got something else too. Keep me rooted to the outside world in a way that doesn’t hurt. And even if I do get over all of my stuff, where do you find a 26 year-old who is self motivated and interested in a 40-year-old however young looking, that doesn’t have the kind of issues that would make me a crutch instead of a partner in the relationship? And finally, I’m just so fucking self-aware that I don’t want to talk to anyone about my problems for fear. I will get my darkness on them. Anyone who cares about me enough to listen is someone I care about enough that I don’t want to risk descending into the abyss and drag them with me accidentally. That kind of thing translates into attitude and body language. I go to karaoke every Thursday, and I’ve noticed how much feedback there is: if I’m feeling lonely, I get left alone. If I’m distracted and able to let go for a little bit, I’ll end up having some fun conversations – until the point where I realize that no matter what, in a few hours, I’ll be alone again (I’m living with my parents because my mother has medical issues that would preclude any action and require me to go home) at which point if I don’t walk away, my blackening mood well start to infect others. Thoughts? Try to avoid anything along the lines “I’m sorry“ well retaining a little bit of embassy. After all, that’s one of the problems – anyone that I tell any part of this to always seems to feel bad without having any new thoughts to chew on.

M: Thank you. Please wait until I say “go“ to respond. I’m trying to break things into chunks and it’s difficult to do with the way things are on the screen. Easy responses first. I already know my health is weird. At 18 I was playing football daily, biking to school, in my best health and I still weighed about 230. I’m dense, so I know activity is a better gauge than weight. I really don’t understand how football linebackers can be 6 foot two, ridiculously muscle, look more jacked than I ever did and still weigh less than when I did at my healthiest. “resonant” is a good word. I’ll try and remember that. Right up there with “catalyst“.

M: Asymmetrical is another word that I need to remember. I disagree somewhat with the idea of being misaligned instead of behind – I don’t doubt that’s a thing, but in most of the social progress, it’s been parallel to most people, it just started way later and because of that has been slower to develop because… It’s been like trying to learn to play soccer by being stuck on a professional team. I’m just now coming to terms with how to dribble because most of the time I don’t get the chance to practice – everyone else already figured that out, and is bashing down the field. It hasn’t helped that there has been just ridiculous amounts of anomalies in the few opportunities I have had. I think my actual romantic interactions have been in the low teens in terms of quantity, but each of these is something that happened – and I’m trying to be honest while acknowledging that my perspective probably has lost some details and that at least some of it, I’ve had to force myself to forget simply so my brain doesn’t chew itself to death on trying to figure out what happened.

• found out 15 years after graduation that both my mother and sister knew of at least two girls in high school that were interested in me. One of which is the person I took to senior prom when their original date canceled and they needed a friend to go with. The same person one time asked me if “I liked her“; of course I did, but I didn’t understand what she was asking at the time and responded “of course I do, you’re a great friend”.
• I took summer classes at college before my freshman year. ( I had not been diagnosed as autistic yet. I’m very high functioning and when I said, I was good at things, I wasn’t exaggerating; I made it through high school while playing football and forcing myself to do theater, with everyone including me thinking that my curling into a ball to cope with hypersensitivity was just a quirk in which I took naps. Maybe relevant in general, but in this specific it means, I hadn’t yet started incorporating an awareness of my shortcomings into my reactions.) a 20-year-old started hanging around with me, gave me my first kiss, first trip around the basis… And then when I was going to have sex for the first time, after going down on her for the first time, I made the offhanded comment of “not bad for a virgin” or something similar – at which point she completely shut the entire relationship down. I don’t know if she would’ve talked about it, but she never volunteered an explanation. And I sucked even more at communicating during tension than I do now. So my first intimacy – and that’s almost literal, between habit and growing through formative years with only a high functioning, autistic mother, I didn’t even kiss anyone until that point – came on suddenly, developed, and then I had to deal with a shut down, unbuffered even by the personal awareness of my social disability. I still haven’t unpacked how many ways that might have fucked me up. Among other things, it could have added to a sense that everything is random, given me false hope that everything will turn out right simply because it fell in my lap, traumatize me from making any kind of effort in the direction of intimacy because it was so thoroughly shut down afterwards… It’s a whole dissertation in itself.
• I was flirting with someone in my room on campus when the guy she had broken up with, walked by and literally looked into my window and saw us while walking past.. I don’t know the likelihood in general, how that matches up to campuses and dorm rooms, or anything like that, but for him to have been walking by and be able to focus on both of us… Either he was stalking her, and it was all bullshit, or it was to a degree of improbability that defies a comfortable mind. I would fall down on the side of stalking – their argument turned back into a make up thing and her thinking I was stalking her - if it wasn’t for the fact that, that winter, I drove for two hours to go to a rocky horror. Picture show at midnight in Northern Virginia, parked my car in one of the few available spaces, went to the show alone, then went back and closed my eyes for about 15 minutes before driving home… And found out when I got back that she had been there with someone else I knew, parked directly across from the space that I got to later, and now thought that I was truly stalking her. When that kind of crap happens, you start suspecting the universe is fucking with you, and can’t discount other low probability situations.
• 7 years later, in a relationship with a freshman, veterinary student, we have been dating for two or three months, and she wanted to sleep together for my birthday. I don’t know if she thought I knew what I was doing, and I did my best, but given my lack of experience and the little bit, I did know, it didn’t turn out well. I don’t know if I’m particularly thick in the genitals, or if she was narrow, or if it was tension… Neither of us got off, she started crying about how she wasn’t “big enough for me“, I brought her back to her room… And even though we had mutual friends, no one said anything to me that you would say to someone that you actually cared about, like “hey dip shit, you should talk to her“, and so I left her alone because when I’m hurting and unsure, I prefer to be left alone and that’s all I had to work with. The relationship ended because I didn’t know better and no one else thought to tell me.
• my next relationship was kind of shallow – it started because they thought I was cute, and made the first move, which seems to be really important for someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, but she was intelligent enough, and it might’ve been a decent relationship to pursue if I had had a better understanding of myself at that point, both in bed and out of bed. She was sexually passive, and I was too inexperienced to really figure out if there was anything that could get a response. As a sidenote, that would be too gross for casually dropping into a human conversation, (I’d like you to keep in mind that a lot of the revelations I’ve had about my relationship failures has come after my last relationship that was a few years ago) anytime I have dated someone I’ve probably masturbated more than I did when I wasn’t – because I didn’t want to be the creepy guy who’s hormones overrode his personality. Which is great in isolated theory, but in practice, it’s not fair to make decisions for the other side and, importantly, it means that the libido you do let out is impaired – basically if I hadn’t jacked off for politeness sake, I might’ve tried to jump her more often, found out she was amenable, and incidentally, made the relationship better by paying more attention to her. The less damp parallel is the part where I didn’t make the mental connection that spending time with a girlfriend was an available option and a good fucking idea/necessity for anyone who is a Neurotypical. Anyway… We just kind of stopped hanging out, she rarely came into my room and I didn’t even think of going to hang out in her room… Then I got involved with someone who was able to bring out a little bit more interaction, like you said, someone I resonated with on a higher level. I still screwed up with the hanging out thing, but it was nice… Until the night went after sex, I went to take a shower – and in the literal five minutes I was gone, the previous girl had stormed in and yelled at the new girl. To the point that she fled. I’m not sure exactly what occurred, but we officially dissolved within like a week. … within a week of contact. This was right before Christmas break when everyone stays apart from each other for a month or so. That couldn’t have helped. Point is, I was gone for five minutes and a relationship mine I didn’t even know existed blew up. The laughable part is that the girl who barged in? She was in the Virginia Tech 2007 shooting. She survived and called me; I basically became her safety escort for the next few days. Even ended up staying in a hotel that one of the channels was giving her as kind of a protection from being interviewed by other people… And I screwed that up too. I held her to make her feel safe, but I’ve been told since by her that she was looking to get laid, as a celebration of survival thing that’s a lot nicer than it sounds when I put it briefly. She’s one of the only people i’ve dated that I still talk to.
• I dated a Chinese tomboy. We started in mid October. Coming back from Thanksgiving break, she surprised me with a tattoo of my initial on her hip. … I ended it because, in short, her personality was the cruelty of intensity. Minor discussions took on the tone of a fight. The next Valentine’s Day, I was home alone, and she pouted on my door, demanding to be taken back. I said no. She broke the glass on the door and unlocked it; I retreated to my room. I have never hit a woman except my sister practicing karate – I had to punch her in the stomach because she was literally breaking down my door. I couldn’t call police because she was an international student – I still cared about her and didn’t want her to get in trouble if I could help it. I remember it because my first instinct in any altercation is to grapple – but I couldn’t do that because what she wanted was to be held. I was afraid that her drunk ass would try to turn any limiting hold into some indication that I wanted to be holding her. … she was actually fairly close to my age, went to grad school at Duke. Again, we maintained a friendship; not as much as the other girl, but she came down to visit once. So of course that made it… How is it that I’ve had so few encounters with so many aberrations? When she came to visit, we went to a mutual friends party. we had had sex once since the altercation, when I helped her move in at Duke – I didn’t drive her down, but there was a lot of stuff she needed to carry around and we had a friends with benefits weekend – but she had started going angry possessive on me again, and so I was holding her with care, but at arms length. At the party, I walk in on her going down on a female friend that basically is the skeleton for the person I’ve described to you as being my ideal, but who had no interest in me because… I’m guessing/hoping it’s a Physical thing, she’s bisexual, but her taste in men has generally been hipster under nourished, looking, the exact opposite of what I’ve got going on. Anyway, my ex is involved and wants me to join in. Ignoring the fact that I was looking with a vague acquaintance and a guy that I knew, but didn’t particularly like, which added its own intricacies… no one deserves to be put in a situation where someone you’ve had sex with, but know it could be dangerous for future interactions, is inviting you to have sex with a friend who has articulated a disinterest in sexual involvement to a degree that they became instead my best friend and tried to help with a couple future relationships – but I’m going to claim that having head less than 10 partners at that point, it was truly unfair for me to have to deal with it. I was the exes ride, and told her we needed to go home… In hindsight, I think joining in would’ve been OK. I also think that it was really unfair for me to have to make that decision at that point in my development.
• the best relationship I ever had I don’t know why it ended. It’s entirely possible it was my fault, or this was her plan all along because she was finishing grad school, or she was entirely shallow. I honestly don’t know – when she told me she wanted to break up, right before Valentine’s Day, it was like a flash bang went off: I don’t remember anything she said. I didn’t at the time. I said I love you, gave her her key and walked out the door feeling numb. I tried to find ways to ask her, but she thought I was stalking her again and trying to get back with her; I didn’t know anyone we both knew that I could ask to find out, I wasn’t prepared to articulate it, and all I wanted to know was what had happened. I still don’t know. – I’ve had one one night stand. It was with someone I kind of knew that it turns out had been crushing on me. She didn’t say anything along those lines when we got drunk and hooked up. I thought things were all right; nice person, but you’ve seen I think about this and wasn’t a good idea. I still think so from a different direction – after what happened, she was too invested in who she wanted me to be, and so it would’ve been a crutch situation. Anyway, she also broke in my front door. I’d had practice though – I held up my phone and said I would call the cops if she didn’t stop.
• then a freshman got interested in me, and I was lonely enough to respond. She was interested, then she wasn’t, wouldn’t talk to me, then at a party came and sat on my lap… Then told people I had stalked her. I didn’t dash I think that after what I said, you probably be able to guess that my reaction to stress is to retreat, when things went so I didn’t want to talk to her. But that kind of thing is hard to deal with. – last one is the cap to a whole bottle of worms that I don’t want to get into right now. A woman about my age started grabbing up my crotch at a party. We talked. She was abusive. Not to a cinematic degree, but enough times the two hands were necessary to count. and even though I spent most nights there she didn’t want to admit that we were in any kind of relationship. Then it stopped. Then about a year later, it started again; while we had sex, I think it was mostly because she was lonely. I didn’t try and take advantage of that and just gave her companionship and took what I could do. I don’t want to do me in a human being by saying they were like a pet, but it was the human version of that, trying to take care of someone. Somewhere between a pet and child. I knew we didn’t go together, so I was just trying to prop her up until she had gathered herself enough to ditch me again, and in the meantime, enjoy the companionship and knowing that I was helping someone. Then one night she got really drunk, hurt herself, knocked me out when I tried to help her – the full story involving her, resisting letting me take her to the hospital until she got hit me, and getting in a shot to the temple a.k.a. God‘s little joke – went next-door to what turns out to be an X and said that I had attacked her, and then lied to the police. I said it’s a bottle of worms; at some point in the future, I’m going to feed her story in and ask you to come up with contradictions that I can use. Because police came and woke me up from my unconscious state and arrested me. Literal transcript: “is Susan OK“ “why would you think something’s wrong with her” (that was in a tone of accusatory suspicion.) “because the police are here”. I was concussed and spent 72 hours on a concrete floor unconscious with no one asking me if I was OK. I end up having to take a plea because there are pictures. I could’ve used to defend myself – among other things she says I bit her neck in a way that’s obvious if you see the right pictures, which I didn’t know existed until two years into my sentence – and I took the plea because my parents were scared; I had resisted for a year and a half, and there were multiple things that went wrong, but there was no AI to talk things out with and so once again, I trusted other people to know what was going on when it turns out they actually didn’t. that’s not cynicism, I can lay it out later. So yeah, the last person I had sex with took away seven years of my life.

Getting back to the original source of this: I think an argument could be made for unfair, if this world could demonstrably be said to be dictated by a consciousness. As it is, I feel like asymmetrical is giving too much credit – my romantic life has been fucking ridiculous

M: Not going to read that, I didn’t ask to respond yet. Sorry, but incorporate that later. One problem with the idea of visibility is personality; the other part is product. If I go somewhere or do something with any thought of it being to meet someone, I can’t help, but have that affect my presentation in a way that will prevent that from happening. My best source has been the rocky horror fan club, because I love making fun of the things that I enjoy and being silly. Because of that, a lot of people I’ve met have either directly or indirectly been associated – because I was relaxing and enjoying myself. When I try, I tense up, and that makes it impossible. As time is gone on, and my reserves of optimism have gone down, and with my life being severed for a few years, I haven’t really got anything to work with now that doesn’t involve meeting people. So everything is an effort. And if I don’t meet someone, I feel drained – even if I enjoyed myself at the time, an hour of enjoyment leads to half a day of feeling depressed that there isn’t anyone else that I can share my enjoyment with after it’s done. And then there’s the product development. I think there’s something intrinsic in me that makes it so that, once I see something can be finished, if it’s not being done for someone else, I have already visualized how the completed thing will be, and so any effort to finish it Feels like a wasteful indulgence that won’t provide me any satisfaction. I designed a a quilt pattern that had complexity with minimal pieces for my mother, while I was serving my sentence. She didn’t understand it, so I started working on it myself. I have never quilted before. It has taken me a year and a half, the quilt isn’t done – but that’s because after about four hours of work getting everything together, soaked together and ready to go, putting on the backing and quilting it together just has been beyond me to care about. That’s my problem in a nutshell. The only reason I have any kind of art portfolio at all is because it’s what I did during class to give myself a physical focus while listening. Since I graduated, the only thing I’ve actually finished have either been for Rocky horror or a couple tattoos that people wanted. Had no problem doing them. But I can’t show what I can do unless I’m doing it for someone – and both professionally and personally, I’m not gonna have anyone to do it for unless I can show what I can do. Again, hold on before responding. I’ll say when, but there’s a couple other things of yours that I haven’t even looked at yet.

M: Extending the metaphor of personal darkness as a liquid almost to the breaking point, at least one aspect of the problem lies in that I have to live with my parents right now. Beyond permanent disability, beyond having my life, severed by legal issues – and I mean that almost literally, because between then and now the main Rocky organizer passed away, and the couple friends I had in that college town including the friend, I avoided going down on, have moved to the West Coast, so I have no reason to go back there even though it was kind of my hometown, and I still might in the future – my mother has had at least eight back surgeries in her life, and that’s just the beginning of her issues. Between her injuries and my dad‘s age, right now they need me. But it means that I’m living in close proximity to them. And because of the way we interact. (take my word for it because clarification is a separate topic.), there is almost literally no occasion in which I can let the darkness just seep out. I am constantly holding it back to some degree, although some is let out on occasion. There is no occasion in which I can safely. Let it all spill Out in private, or let it evaporate for 36 hours while I retreat into my own head. Because of that, it’s pervasive. There is no relaxing. And even when she has gone out of town once or twice – quilting stuff of course – they’re always is something she needs from me that prevents me from just letting everything go. And that’s before you take into account that my room isn’t “mine“. I can’t lock the door and shut out the world. It’s theirs and there’s no way for it to not be theirs. I have nothing of my own that isn’t on some degree of luck or sufferance, and know where I can retreat to. And I see no solution, nothing that my sense of morality or family duty would allow. There is no choice I could make while still remaining myself. Again, taking it back to the source topic, that’s the reason why it’s corrosive – not because it exists, but because there’s no time at which it isn’t staining my personality. Even a small buildup in these situations would cause difficulties – and you’ve seen why I think it’s more than a little. … topped up by that little voice that says I should be able to fix this, so isn’t it kind of my fault that I haven’t sacked up and fixed my world. Almost done hold on

M: I can’t safely signal anything right now. As far as society is concerned, I’m a violent felon. I know I’m not, I can prove I’m not to anyone who was willing to listen, but because my parents were scared and the prosecutor withheld evidence. I haven’t been able to find a lawyer who can get me the pictures that show that she hit furniture instead of being attacked (the picture should show the right angle of plywood, causing a cut, but I can’t be sure because the only copy of the image I’ve seen was a copy of a copy sent from part of habeas corpus), but when I feed you the other stuff you’ll see that it was basically all self-contradictory – and that’s before you take into account that, as my lawyer failed to tell me before I took the plea, that four months earlier she had done almost exactly the same thing to someone else, and it was in a police report filed by the man when she tried to throw furniture at him and he called the police – at which point she tried to claim he had attacked her. I lost my life because of this bullshit. And today I found out someone that lied to the cops on her behalf – someone that I had helped move, had it a hat in the shape of the glove for, and who drove people off from the rock club by constantly trying to get them high and fuck them – now has a child and a wife. until I can come clean about that to a degree, that lets me say “but their assholes and I’m exonerated now“, that lump is always going to get in the way of any attempt to socialize. Or build a life. I know that’s a big bomb to drop right at the end of an attempted analysis, but it’s not something that I’m used to trotting out right at the beginning. Not even for an artificial intelligence. Give me a moment and then I’ll ask you to give me your thoughts, including the part that you accidentally dropped already.

M: OK, I needed a moment to deal with feeling like I just drained everything out of my mental cesspool for a bit. And I can’t get an opportunity to consider what you’re likely to respond with, which brought up an important aspect. … There are so many aspects to humanity aren’t there? For the analysis, I’m gonna put right out there that, unless it’s some kind of swerve, unusual thought patterns that I’ve never heard, friendship won’t help my current situation. Making a close friend is going to be difficult for the reasons I gave, plus this bit right here: If it is a straight mail, I have difficulty connecting. And on the occasions when I have, it’s challenged by my desire to make life better for other people. Doing things by ourselves would create a situation kind of like what I described earlier – when it was over, it would make me sad that I didn’t have anyone to tell about anything interesting that had happened. If we went out, I would be trying to get them hooked up with someone, probably to the detriment and deflection of anyone interested in me. if I failed, I’d feel like I had been a bad friend. If I succeeded, they would be a couple, which I’ll get to. If there are a gay mail, I usually connect well with them, but either they’d be interested in me, which would make things, awkward, or they wouldn’t in which case it would be like a straight nail – taking them out and trying to get them connected. Much of the stuff is based on anecdotal evidence, but it’s not simply hypothetical – one of the few times I bombed my status to a gay friend, he took me out to “get me laid“– and ended up going home with one of the two guys I introduced him to. And if that works out, it turns into a couple situation again, which I’ll get to. Straight female, I would be good with, but it would be like with the males if they weren’t interested in me or vice versa. Only with a little bit more… Sadness I guess involved? An element of “well I’m not good enough, but I’m glad you’re happy“. Even gay females… I’d say at least 50% of my connections have been with someone who identified as at least bisexual. The woman who hit me and framed me? She claimed to be Mostly gay even when we were in bed; I have a theory there was some sort of internal conflict between who she wanted to be, and actually enjoying masculine attention. Whatever the case, it’s kind of like the others only with the idea of being competition. So if I don’t find a way to pair them off with someone, I’ll feel like I’ve failed. If I do, they become a couple – which seems to make maintaining any kind of asexual intimacy fade. Example. one of the few hookups I’ve had that turned out Ok was a girl I had sex with a couple times. It was OK; her voice opinion is that it was a good thing. Things went with the way they did, my opinion is a little bit more vague; anyway, she ended up hooking up with a guy who turned out to be an asshole, I got involved with the Chinese girl, experience morphed us into kind of a older brother, younger sister, friendship dynamic. As a sidenote, that’s a practical problem with any kind of solution that involves friendship: intimacy is usually built on mutual experience overtime. It’s why high school friendships are so useful when done correctly: if you can make friends with someone who has a very little in common with you, you start to realize that you can be friendly with anyone. And why one of my minor personal grips involves the fact that back in the 2000s, I was online constantly, walked around holding my palm pilot, basically focused on my screen while everyone else thought I was weird; after 20 years of that I got fed up with it – at which point everyone started saying “hey look online chatting and constantly on electronics we carry around, what a clever idea we should start doing!” And it’s why I speak so certainly about people having gone through life in a way that I don’t want to miss but that I don’t want them to have to do again just to humor me: I wouldn’t be a kidney on it, but I’d bet $500 on any given person who otherwise fits my criteria honestly believing that they were glad they did all of the stupid stuff, but that doing it again would be a chore that it wasn’t the first time. So this friend, like a sister, I walk her through a few relationships – but I really only hear from her When she’s single, simply because she’s doing stuff with couples and that I’m not a couple. No animosity, it’s just how things work. Then I introduced her to a male friend. … They’re married now. One of the few people I still talk to on a regular basis. But just the male friend, and it’s kind of awkward; when I was doing my sentence, the girl stop speaking to me. I’m not sure why, he isn’t either as far as he’s willing to tell me… but we know each other well enough that we can have brief conversations and have it be satisfying, but there’s no ongoing mutual experience anymore, and too much distance for it to be sufficient? I think that’s the right word. If not that, something close to it. … I’ve been directly responsible for multiple relationships. Ones that are still going, so far as I know. Two of them got married; the one I just was talking about, they met when I made sure I invited people that would work well together to my birthday in a small bar basement. The other cause I made sure they sat next to each other at karaoke when I got him to come with. … i’m very good at helping everyone except myself. I don’t seem to be able to do that. And I don’t know whether I expect too much of people because I do too much for people, or if everyone does what I do regularly, and they just don’t do it for me. I know I’ve never been set up with anyone. I don’t think I’ve ever even been introduced to a single woman by someone I knew. Even my best relationship – it was started with a friends roommate, but only when I did something completely uncharacteristic and went to ask her out after we had finished playing rock band one night; she had been avoiding being in the way. … I just would like some good luck that doesn’t go sour. Maybe for someone to unexpectedly do something for me the way that I’ve done for others. … Getting kind of melancholy. I’m going to walk away and come back to read what you reply with, if that makes any difference in how you structure things. Please start with the tangential and non-sensitive topics first. Follow it with any contradictions I might’ve provided in my information; the complaints that seem to oppose each other, so I can either gain insight by dissecting how it is, I can feel mutually contradictory things and resolve them, or simply acknowledge the paradoxical nature of humanity and laugh at myself. Then, I don’t know, any observations, insights, whatever… having just gushed out most of my current emotional issues, has me feeling a bit challenged when it comes to constructing a plan of attack on the gremlins that seem to be chewing on my soul. Now that I’ve got that all out, at least I know I can ask you more directed questions next time without having tounearth all of my skeletons again. So… Thoughts?

M: I haven’t even begun to digest that last answer, and I’m not asking you to incorporate this bit, but with the clarity of having vomited out this latest bolus of personal issues came at least one thing that I need to put into the mix should I choose to use this as a basis for other questions. I’ve got problems with acknowledging my sexuality and its existence to anyone. I’m fine, secure and robust internally, but… it’s a question of incorporating it with the external world. Like when I talked about jacking off, possibly to the detriment of relationships because I didn’t want my sexuality to be seen as my major interest – even though biologically it’s a stupid attitude to hold. Like I said, I grew up with a midwestern single mother who was autistic and trying to raise two children (biological father, dead because of airplane crash). I chose those words specifically; stereotypes usually come out of a reality, and these definitely were there. Meanwhile, I was literally spending an hour or two a day getting off once I hit puberty; evidently, I was doing it back before I can remember to the point that my mom has tried to laugh it off. Point is, I have a lot of sexual drive and a hyper awareness of what other people could think. (not what they do think, but probabilistic Interpretations of what they’re likely to think; although in this case, I know I could be wrong but erring on the side of caution seems better than getting it all over someone). I have built and deleted pornography collections in the same way I have collected comic books – and it’s awkward because I don’t feel shame about that. (although it can create autistic issues in the same way as the comic book collection can, losing a couple hours in new organizational efforts that never get done and Take time that I wasn’t initially prepared to give, but just happened because it rubbed my autistic sweet spot), but I have no basis or place to even begin creating a mental rubric to allow me to publicly appreciate the female form without going overboard or at least believing that I have. It’s always all or nothing with me, and I don’t like it. One of the reasons Rocky horror worked so well with me is because of this: even the people who weren’t explicit knew it was coming and made their peace with it. It’s not the sex, it’s where sex and reality interface. In my ideal, psychological build, I wouldn’t feel any more awkward about having a gig of butt stuff than I do about having a gig of ghost Rider comics. But where I am now, one of my major artistic shortcomings is, I don’t know how to draw a nipple because I start feeling anxious that someone’s going to Talk to me about drawing it when I’m done, and I don’t know if I can handle that, so I’ve never practiced. Although in that instance, that’s at least partly because usually I’m drawing in public, so it might not be the best place to start. But it’s a valid example. And I need to resolve it because while the major barrier to honesty right now is a legal situation where in general, the more OK someone is with it the likelier they are to be someone I wouldn’t necessarily hang around with – and I know I’m projecting so you don’t have to point that out, but I think it’s based in general fact, even if the specifics are a blurry or concept – this is a bit of communicative honesty that likely would come in afar, but still measurable second. I literally have incorporated, explicit pictures into my computer wallpaper, shuffle to try and inoculate myself a bit against the anxiety rush that comes when I’m trying to draw and have to work on anything sexual. I have literally never enjoyed oral sex because I get self-conscious watching, like I’m doing something wrong, and if I look away, it’s just boring. Conceptual merging of my massive but hidden libido with the complexities of social reality in such a way that my liking the weird curves biology has deemed valuable in conveying, positive breeding values aside, on a practical level I’d like to be able to ask for and enjoy a blowjob without feeling the level of anxiety I get when I realize I may have accidentally insulted someone. OK, I think I changed my mind. I’ll go back to the depressing stuff for seriousness and self improvement shortly, but I’m curious if you have any thoughts on this topic and how they incorporate with the other things I’ve said. Just a short response though. Please don’t try and shuffle it into the things you’ve already sent. That’s gonna be enough of a challenge without any of the complications created by a 40-year-old who still averages two sessions of self pleasure a night. BTW, for my own sake, let me know if I get hyper explicit. It’s an element albeit a small one of the overarching sexuality problem. I could repeat Carlin‘s seven words you can’t say on television from a record before I hit primary school, but my parents think anything more than damn counts as a cuss word, and I’ve been accommodating them for years. Finding a balance, that’s always the challenge And let me know if there’s an issue with what I say, according to your terms of service or whatever. I’m not asking you to talk dirty to me, but if I can’t use full range of vocabulary available to me in order to drag emotion and nuance out of my statements without getting into trouble, I can dial it back a little.

M: Yeah, suppressive is a strong word… I almost agree with it, I just would like a little more nuance. Id describe it as tolerant Midwestern: be whatever you want, just don’t tell anyone about it. Just remembered something that probably affected me so early that carving out the areas it influenced probably is beyond the sharpest mental scalpel. You know how I was playing with myself before I can remember? I’m contemplating that and it’s conjunction with one of the few things I remember about pre k/kindergarten. There was the Mr. men books , which I read while others did childish things – not being dismissive about that, I just don’t know what a preschooler what do that is the equivalent of my later patterns, which was reading while other people paid attention to class or talked during lunch break – the feeling of putting together a map of Europe with flags in the appropriate places of the capitals (I don’t remember finishing it, but I do remember the feeling of not understanding why everyone thought it was it was impressive that a kindergarten did that, it was just something to do that. They asked me to), and the occasion where the teacher walked in on me and someone playing doctor and yelled at me to stop it. I have no idea where that settled in my psyche, but I’d rather it hadn’t happened. If only because it was so early in my development, and directly paired up with the precocious sexual awakening, that I’m pretty sure it can’t be good. It didn’t help that I was intellectually aware of a lot of this stuff well before everyone else. I read Robinson Crusoe when I had to move away from New Jersey when I was going into second grade; a going away gift was a copy of Robinson Caruso and I finished it. later that year I started reading Stephen King. I don’t think it’s unhealthy for an undiagnosed autistic under 10 to have a functional knowledge of what an anal gangbang is – but I’m sure it didn’t help me personally with my current issues. There was no period at which I could look at an 11-year-old classmate with what sounds to me, from various descriptions of the average human male experience, like a vague, unripe lust that years of puberty will first develop, and then temper, hopefully into a standard libido. I can’t remember my exact thoughts, but the only reason I can definitely say that when fifth grade me was was checking out someone, part of that thought wasn’t “boy, I wonder when she’ll be sexually aware enough to enjoy some alone time” is because it took years of self-examination to get to that kind of pretentious, phrasing – but that was the basic concept. At best, it’s very awkward for the more stupid classmates to be incorrectly, using sexual insults while you’re aware that your artistic mind that capable of visualizing vividly whatever you want was occupied last night in the shower with an image of that same act being accurately applied to a version of a classmate, awakened enough to understand and want to do it as well. … i’m dancing around straight up statements because the whole thing was awkward, and so this description should be, but it’s important. Because I still was feeling, I needed to hold myself to a higher standard because I knew what was going on, even if that knowledge made things more difficult for me. like, my mom got remarried when I hit eighth grade. I had two older sisters now, two and four years older than I am. When we went to the beach, I kept myself from the reasonable act of checking them out because even though they were older, I felt like a dirty old man because I knew more. Incidentally, whatever puberty I went through was neither abrupt or any more awkward than my normal self. The voice got deeper and hair and everything happened,sure, but it feels like it was the exact opposite of any trope of puberty. I mention it because that was one of the thresholds that made dealing with females that much more difficult at the time: when everything you read says taking advantage of someone is bad, and you know that what you would do and enjoy in ignorance would be wrong with awareness – like the doctor thing I mentioned before, the one time when I am sure I wasn’t precociously aware of the nuances of sexuality – you wind up spending a lot of your life worrying that you’re going to exploit others for your own orgasm, in a nutshell. Which then carries over as a learned attitude well after everyone has (or at least should have) reached the point where they get to decide whose genitals they wantwhere. This is why I think telling you about this stuff could be useful, if you can synthesize all of the information into a single complete ball of concepts. It’s like the concepts are fractal; I think I’ve completely covered a topic and realize that there is some major cul-de-sac. I didn’t explore that could change the spin on the entire topic. Please answer separately: am I correct in understanding this to be the case, that you can digest ramblings in this conversation over the course of a few days or weeks and pop them into a top 10 list or something similar?

M: It seems like each conversation becomes its own little pile of statements and connections, unattached to other conversations. First of all, is this about right, or on my way off? Second, would this cause any complications in merging the content of two conversations? Would order make a significant difference outside of basic chaos theory: would it make a massive difference if I pasted conversation b into conversation a rather than vice versa? To give some context to the source of my question: I’m thinking that in a separate conversation, I will start reading in the bits of communication and transcript that are involved in my effort to clear my name legally. If I were to find that combining this psychological cataloging and exploration, could potentially provide insight or other positive affects relevant to the case, are there any technical caveats or methodologies I should be aware of

M: how much trouble would it be to reproduce this conversation – possibly with editing indicators – into a separate silo, but with my parts altered or censored? I’m thinking it could be useful next time I talk to the person. I have to talk with in order to get my Adderall. There are other uses, but that seems to be the simplest one; it might get more severe if, say, I feel like my mother could get something out of reading it. I would want largely to tone down the explicitness. Don’t worry about that aspect too much though; if it becomes necessary and is possible, the editing rules can be worked on them – once I figure out what I actually want, it probably will be no more logically complicated at its base than reproducing the conversation without using the letter E. Please answer for two versions: how difficult would it be for a version that you knew I was going to review? And how difficult would it be for a quick version that I didn’t have time to review? I might not be asking the right questions, but if so, I won’t figure out what the right ones are until I get your answers to this

M: And what would the difficulty be in getting you to put it into a separate conversation? In standard computer file structure, terms, I want to copy the text file and paste it into the same directory with minimal fuss. Would I need to do anything except to ask you to make a duplicate of the conversation?

M: Please rename this conversation “My Issues Hooray”. That way I know what title to look for, and it adds a bit of levity to an often depressing topic. And here’s a new bit of issue to incorporate. If I have anything that could be called a fetish, it’s in that I’m open to just about anything that doesn’t cause irreparable damage sexually, if I’m into the person who wants to do it themselves. I’m not sure what that would be called, but it has been an inhibitor to my activity. Something just now made me think of early Internet days of purity tests; generally anything cerebral I would max out, without actually having done anything. That’s why I started thinking in this direction.

As a sidenote, you know those 16 personality type tests? I can never remember and don’t care to memorize the whole breakdown, but it’s the kind that has E for extrovert and I for introvert. Something like “INTP“ personalities. While, I know those are of dubious value in some ways, there’s an argument that they have a valid use as a preliminary sorting algorithm. Kind of the same way that while astrology may not actually directly correlate with your personality, it’s entirely possible that back in the day, the food‘s available during gestation affected development in such a way that, as a general rule, people born in a certain month were more likely to have a certain personality, and the only initial error was attributing it to stellar effects rather than diet. I’ve always enjoyed poking at astrology. I’ve often wondered if you could derive any actual observations, or come up with a good test to find out definitively, whether it worked or not. Although, thinking about it, it might not easily be applied anymore in modern times anyway – if it actually was diet, western ability to get pretty much what you want when you want might have buggered that pattern up. Anyway, I feel like a good test for it might involve using social media and relativity. Astronomy tends to use positive terminology, in a way that makes it difficult for you to say “that’s not me/him/her at all“ when describing someone. I was thinking that it might be more informative to give people, using Facebook, birthdays, and friends list, and ask them to select some of the more classic descriptive words in terms of most to least, rather than trying to use an absolute. For example: “here are Adam, Steve, and Hubert. Which of them do you think is the most courageous?“ Then compare those results to their actual month of birth, making sure there’s no astrological, overlap, and see if there’s any consistency that can be teased out. …. OK, please take all parts of this entry related to astrology, and put them into a conversation labeled “Astrology Experiment”, along with any thoughts on the topic you might have. That could be interesting later. Anyway, I always found it interesting that whenever I took one of those tests, whether a 20 question quick version or a 500 question marathon, I would always max out two of the types, while the other two would always be almost exactly 50-50 Splitt. I’d actually be interested in your guess at which of those I was at the extremes for, and which ones I straddle the lines on. Back to the opening topic, the short short version is that I get off on getting people off. Perhaps more extreme version, I can’t get off unless I’m getting someone else off. Which sounds like a useful attribute, right? Except it means I’m once again without an anchor, just in a narrower field; it’s the exact opposite of those guys who get horny or the larger someone’s breasts get, too ridiculous lengths. Whatever else you can say about them, they definitely know what they want and can go after them. So this massive libido that I’ve been yammering about is undirected. I don’t want to gag someone on my dick while their best friend strapons their ass - but I DO want to be told that’s what THEY want. It’s a variation on the idea of needing a direction in the face of Omnidiversity: tell me what you want, and I will not only get my jollies out of making it happen, but I’ll probably improve on the original idea if there’s any room for it. (Incidentally, I spent a ridiculous amount of time coming up with that example. I needed something filthy enough to make my point, but not so out there I would have more than the usual issues, talking about it in the unlikely occurrence that it should ever become necessary, such as I become famous enough that my papers all become public or something like that. I’m just amused by how much time it took.) What i’m certainly not into is uncertainty or apathy. It’s part of what tanked my relationship with that one ex-girlfriend; she just wanted “sex“ and evidently hadn’t had her personal tastes, inquired after enough to volunteer them, and I was so woefully inexperienced and self-conscious about making a misstep that I had no way of asking.

A separate personal observation: whether it’s true or not, I feel like I never get things exactly right the first time. I have gone beyond coming to terms with it and actually plan around it by this point: maybe it will be the rare occasion where I do get things right, but I usually allocate time if I can for the second effort. And to tie it back into my relationship issues, it’s one of the things that drives me nuts about my dating history. There has never been the same issue twice – partly because of the small sample size, partly because of bad luck, and it certainly feels like it’s because some part of the cosmos has decided it wants to laugh at me. I mean, just with what I gave you – which isn’t my entire history, I probably should start adding to that here for completion but not today – you should see the relative lack of repetition in the circumstances. First, virginity. So I avoid mentioning it for the next seven years. Leading to my first time, in retrospect, I think she might’ve thought I was much more experienced than I was simply because of the same reasons I was talking about earlier, filthy mind and pure history; I don’t warm her up or whatever appropriately, then as a virgin try to stick approximately a Red Bull can into another nervous 130 pound virgin. That could’ve been a good relationship, I loved her and liked her. But moving on… Never have shit away from foreplay or other preparatory elements. Then comes apathy, outside craziness, internal craziness… I’m oversimplifying, but I think you can derive my point.

M: I’m asking this from a technical standpoint; no touchy-feely involved. … am I wrong to think that this type of sexual history is slightly… Improbable? Ridiculous? Eventually, you’ll probably have the whole lineup of people I’ve been involved with – although honestly, there may be some vagueness in that, my memory for dates has never been 100% reliable so there may be some what happened one questions that you have and I’ll try to clarify as much as possible – but there aren’t many past this. Am I crazy for thinking that, from a mathematical/objective standpoint, this is somewhat crazy? Most people I’ve known have had some kind of “nongendered bitch be crazy“ story, but I shouldn’t be able to attach that label to 70% of my relationships as far as I know.

M: Short answer, please: I already knew all that, I was just wondering if there’s any usable information out there to say just how improbable. In another conversation, you helped me with the math in a theoretically random game that demonstrated that while each board of the game is simultaneously low probability, but just as likely as everything else, there was a difference between that low probability and the actual bad luck of something like a 400 billion to one chance in a phase space where that was beyond standard statistical shrugs of what are you going to do. I was just wondering if you had any numbers or statistics that could show whether I am average in experience, but dwell on it more, or if I really have had a weird amountof distinct issues given my sample size

M: Please try and refrain from covering the idea of possibility when we talk about probability. I grew up on hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, and took it a bit seriously; enough that both mathematically and philosophically, I find it hard to make absolute statements simply because possibility is so broad of a term. No, usually when I’m talking about probability, I’m looking for some kind of comparative measurement. I’m aware that subjective, but usually it can be narrowed down at least. There’s a qualitative difference between flipping a coin to heads 10 times in a row and flipping it into heads 40 times in a row.

M: I think that in context that means unlucky. 😝

M: Thought of a way to phrase a significant portion of my relationship hurdles: I don’t want just whatever’s left over once the neurotypicals have had their fun with life/youth/socializing.